Suckerpunched

My sweet and loving 90 year old grandfather asked me how my boyfriend was. I almost vomited all over him, until my dad jumped in and said, "that's done."

Like I said, vomit.

Look

I've made it since Tuesday without crying; it's a new record. Tearing up doesn't count, by the way, because the fact that I was able to stop them from overflowing is pretty much a miracle: I'm a human floodgate, once a little bit seeps through, it all comes rushing out. What's helped: Carter loving me so very much, filling my day minute by minute, and exhaustion from everything else.

My heart has had some balm applied to it by various people whom may or may not even know they were a stitch or more in putting me back together. No, it's not all better. No, I can't lean entirely on one single person. Yes, a little bit of leaning here and there is enough to steady me at least until the next questionable moment. I can breathe again, but it still hurts.

To ensure that I always have something to occupy my time when I'm not studying or working or sleeping, I've made a stack of things to do. Read Amphigorey, re-read the Fountainhead, two Taro Gomi activity books, DVDS (including Heathers, Veronica Mars, and DARIA!), and when all else fails - Harry Potter. Plus, I get my new bike soon, and that will be good for trips to the lake, or even just around the neighborhood, with Carter & friends. It's a lot, right? It'll be even more if I could just get my RS program to quit freaking out on me so I could continue with French, Italian, and Spanish lessons...I need more computer savvy friends.

Dude, that is a lot.

We'll see. I get really ambitious sometimes, and then nothing gets crossed off the list because I end up feeling too overwhelmed to get out of bed. Maybe I'll move the stack closer to bed. Just in case.

What I Wish He Would Say

Seems Like Yesterday

It's been over a month of depressing posts. Sorry, but it's probably gonna continue, interspersed with random pictures of clothes and my dog. This is, after all, my "journal." In case you haven't heard, I'm becoming Debbie Downer's successor.

Tired.

Untitled.

The New Fatigue(s)

Puppy!

Amanda Seyfriend has a weimaraner pup, too! (via Jezebel) LOOK AT THAT BELLEHH! It's almost 3AM...probably not a good idea for me to go and wake Carter up just so his mommy can cuddle with him, right? First thing in the morning, then.

Big Hat

Really into big hats. Always have been, but now they're coming back. Trust me, I'm always right about these things. Eventually.

Fire

Perfectly Sums It Up

Glee: Idina Menzel & Lea Michele "I Dreamed a Dream"

Need a U-Frame

More than ever, especially when Carter gets bigger - I'm not so good at walking. No arches = flat feet = pains in my heels and knees. I know this isn't a u-frame bike, but the picture is still cute. The effortless clothes and the basket are the keys.

More Distractions

via Vanessa Jackman

I live in Texas, where the summer is consistently 95+ degrees. Is this outfit not okay? If she can wear it in Australia, I should be all right here. No?

Dripping Sleep

I went to bed and woke in the middle of the night thinking I heard someone cry, thinking I myself was weeping, and I felt my face and it was dry.

Then I looked at the window and thought: Why, yes, it’s just the rain, the rain, always the rain, and turned over, sadder still, and fumbled about for my dripping sleep and tried to slip it back on.

-Ray Bradbury

(via for stars will rise again)

Story Too Big

Wasson + Pit

Erin Wasson by Hanneli Mustaparta

I was going to get a pit puppy, but now I don't even know what that means, because I love Carter so much. He's 10 weeks old today. Maybe we'll go for a walk...it'll tire both of us out and maybe we'll each get a full nights rest: for me, the first time in a month.

Being a Mom

It's hard and I don't get enough sleep, that much is true. He's timid and a crier, needy and a cuddle bunny - the more I love him, the more I worry about him...or is it the other way around? One thing's for sure, he is pretty good at filling up my day, except when he's napping; that's when I get incredibly sad and the hurt comes rushing back.

For now I'm just trying to be the best mom I can be, even when that means ignoring his crying. But how can anyone really ignore a puppy's cry? As a friend said to me, 'hell is paved with the sound of crying puppies.' It must be true, because that sound is pure heartbreak!

It's weird, right? No matter what kind of love comes into your life, it's almost always accompanied by some form of heartbreak.

Is This True?

Carter

A Month

So, it's been a month since my life started unraveling faster, as if someone tied the end of a loose thread in my life to a skydiving blue whale trying to get back into the water as fast as possible. Though today wouldn't have been a good example, I'd say I am making small improvements every day? Baby steps, dudes. Or...tiny fish fins...or whatever metaphor works here. I'm very weak (emotionally) when I'm tired (physically and mentally), and that's all I really have to say for myself on that front.

It's hard to love someone else when you don't even like yourself. It's hard to accept someone else's love when you don't know what you're here for in this life. I think I understand, to some point, those feelings. But let me tell you. It's also really hard to want to love someone and give that love to that person, when that person doesn't want it, can't handle it, and has been lost for a while. I'm struggling with that right now.

People keep telling me that it's bad for me to keep holding on. I know it's certainly not helping any! But as I said to someone earlier today, it's like that saying about how a girl never gets over her first love, no matter how long it's been or how far she's gone: this is what it is for me. It's a serious business, being in a serious relationship, and it's not easily forgotten or let go. At some point, the promises were real, the promises meant forever - at those points, it felt like forever already. "In that moment, we were infinite."

I don't know. Simple explanations and words are never enough; I always ask for more. Some people are born with the melancholies. I was born with the melodramatics.

Crying

It was in love...

Trying?

I've been trying to find things to fill my days with...but road blocks keep coming up.

Wanted to re-learn languages - my RS program hates me and refuses to work after 2 lessons. After wanting to watching a movie this weekend, realized I have only a handful of friends left in Dallas, and if they're busy, I'm SOL. Considering doing yoga and/or kickboxing, but a) requires money and b) I have no endurance. Had a small hope of visiting friends either in NYC or LA, but again, no monies. Even went to church for the first time in almost a year, and the message was too doctrinal for me to absorb. The only thing that's effective at taking my mind off things for a few hours is working retail part-time. It's easy and relatively fun, and by the time I get home, I'm too exhausted to think.

Running out of ideas, here. Please, God, help me.

Baggage

Purchases

Vince V-Neck Cashmere Cardigan ON SALE

Also, other things. I'm not sure they made me feel better.

How?

Love

Guys, are you sick of these crazy long posts with nothing but words yet? Do you miss the mindless pictures and random videos? Sorry, but too bad.

I've come to the conclusion that as much as I can sit here and wallow in my own pity party, that's just the broken-hearted person inside of me trying to make me turn into a big bitter baby. But that's not how I naturally am; that's not me at the basic level. I tried to be a cynic and I've tried the whole jaded-with-life schtick, and neither works for me, because both make me unhappy. What I really am, what I've always been and always will be, is a romantic. I believe in love, and I think it's beautiful, and I know it makes me happy.

Cheeeeeesy enough for you?

It's true, though. When I love somebody or something, I play for keeps. All in. Hold nothing back. Maybe that's kind of intense, I don't know. But I'm good at it! And I'm gonna keep at it, somehow.

That's all this post is, really. Kind of a personal (or not so personal, whatever) reminder that love is good. Love is good.

Pretending

Intermission

Gap Fall 2010









Yes, I know it's 4AM. I'm all emo now, remember, guys? I've gots deep thoughts and stuff going on. But anyways - if and when I get a serious office job, I will wear all of this. Golf claps for Patrick Robinson.