Thursday, April 29, 2010

New Directions

...get it? From Glee? ...No? I hate you.


Life and/or God has been throwing me a lot of...wait, no, the curve ball metaphor isn't good enough...what I'm looking for is...okay, let me start over.

It's been a tough year for me, probably the hardest of my life, and the last week has been especially difficult. I learned some ugly truths and heartbreaking news, all of which have essentially been my crutches for many years, and the deal is now that I have to learn how to stand on my own two feet. Vague enough for you? How's this: 1) the state bar of New York and I are not meant to be together, to the tune of a 1% difference, and 2) my boyfriend, the guy I thought was the love of my life, at least for the past 6 years (my entire adult life to date), broke up with me.

I thought that I would easily pass the bar, become a lawyer, and do the whole thing, you know, be an adult or whatever. Live the life the people expect out of someone who went to law school. I thought that after 6 years of breaking up and getting back together and waiting through 2 deployments and lots of growing up, he and I would be together. Forever. Is that naive? I don't know. He was my best friend, and I'd never had a best friend. He was my home base and the last person I would talk to before I went to sleep everyday that he was in the country for six consecutive years. He's all I've known.

It's too soon for me to be sharing wise words about the lessons I've learned with y'all. I'm still here nursing my wounds.

The thing is, I used both those beliefs as my crutches. I leaned on them, relied on them, and never expected either to be taken away from me. I got complacent and lazy, and even though when I looked at myself introspectively (did I use that word right?) I knew that I wasn't as happy as I could be, I was okay with that. I stopped pursuing things that I was interested in, I gave up on learning new things, I just quit at life because I was comfortable. And now? Well,'s a new start, I guess. It kind of sucks.

So here I am. Trying to figure out my next step. Everyone says that I can take some time to cry and be depressed - and trust me, that is not something I'm worried about not doing enough of - but honestly, I've been depressed for over a year now. I've cried more since the start of 2009 than I have in my entire life. I may have to stop once in awhile and sob to myself for a few minutes, but the world keeps going, right? I can't just be sitting in my car on the side of the highway while everyone races to their next destination. I got to do something.

This awkward rockstar is going to go through some changes, and I hope to stay truthful and open about that journey as it happens here. I'm sure there will still be lots of shopping and being awkward in normal situations. That's just who I am.

First on my list? Rosetta Stone-ing the hell out of some languages I've been meaning to brush up on/learn. Either French, Spanish, Italian (all three of which I've learned before...), or Japanese, which I know nothing about. Can a person Rosetta Stone 2 or more languages at once? Let's find out.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Do you

Do you know what it's like to just...sleep?

Friday, April 23, 2010

More Emo Stuff

I've been having a rough few days, and so today, I wrote a letter to myself. It is what it is, and I'm not asking for pity or anything. This is just my effort at As broken and crazy as I am. I don't have much else left to hide. And if I can't be truthful about what's going on with me on my own blog, then this thing is pretty much crap, then, isn't it?


Sometimes, when things are over, they’re just that: over. There isn’t a part two, no sequel in the works, no reboot or do-over. It stands alone and there is no hope for the story to keep going, because the story has already stretched as far as it could go, maybe even a bit longer than it should have been.

As much as it hurts, and as much as you need it to continue because you don’t know anything else, it can’t. You know that much.

For your entire adult life to date, he’s been there. It isn’t easy cleaning up after him – it’s not just photographs and stuffed animals this time. There are earrings, bracelets, necklaces, trinkets, shoes, clothes, his shirt you used as a sleeping shirt for the last five years, your ipod, the camera you use to take pictures; he is everywhere. He’s in your memories and your dreams. Closing your eyes, he appears as a burned image on the inside of your eyelids. What can you do? It seems childish to go through and throw all of those good memories into the trash. But it’s even more na├»ve to hold on to them…just in case.
It has to be a bad dream – a nightmare. The last few days couldn’t have really happened. You’ll wake up and reach over for your phone, and he’ll be there on the other end, happy to hear from you. He won’t be cold or harsh, his heart won’t be hardened, he won’t insist that his feelings have changed for you and that it’s been a long time coming. His last true good memory of your relationship won’t be from five years ago, and he won’t find you irritating. He’ll be sweet and his demeanor soft and inviting. He’ll tell you he misses you and wishes you were there with him. Won’t he?

You know he isn’t lying to you. This time, for the first time, he’s being truthful. No, he’s not baring his soul to you, because he doesn’t trust you with it anymore. But it’s still the truth. You know all this, and you know that you can’t force love, but, God, do you just want to call him and beg for things to be different and please come back because it’ll be good from now on, promise. Don’t do it. That’s exactly why he can’t trust you with his vulnerability anymore. You take what he tries to give you and you warp it and manipulate it until you get what you want out of it. You know he’s susceptible to your tears and heartache, and you know that if it’ll stop your hurting for a little bit, he’ll do what you want. But it won’t be real! It won’t be him. And he’ll just resent you more and more.

Yeah, it hurts. You feel lost and broken and you get in a mind-numbing daze when your brain forces you to shut down for a while to stop the pain. It hurts it hurts it hurts. You don’t get it and you wish it would stop, but the fact is that it’s there and you can’t change it.

Feelings change, people change. Didn’t you tell him that yourself? It’s the way of the world. What’s that Robert Frost poem say? Nothing gold can stay. You have been blessed to have him for so long, and you probably took advantage of it and clung on for longer than you should have, but there’s no denying that you were blessed. Be grateful. Remember him fondly. He did his best. You did your best.

It’s easy to fall into a state of self-loathing and doubt. Could you have done anything differently? Were you so awful that he couldn’t bear to be with you anymore? If you had only done this or that, would things be better now? Stop it. You are who you are, and you did things the way you knew how, just as it was for him. There’s no help or benefit from dwelling on what might have been. As much as you wish it were true, there is no forcing someone to love you. It either is or isn’t, and here, unfortunately, it simply isn’t.

Don’t act the victim and feel bitter that he got to break up with you and he got to end your online games and he got to do have the final say. He had to be one to do all those things, because, let’s face it, you would never have had the courage to do it in his place. It needed to be this way so that you could see that it was time to let go. You know better than to be the creepy stalker ex-girlfriend, and this way, you remember that.

So, okay. For now, you hurt. For now, you have lapses where you want to lose your mind and call and beg and grovel. For now, you feel as if you’ve lost an integral part of yourself, without which you don’t know how to function. But think of it like this: you think you’re drifting afloat a barely inflated life preserver in the middle of the sea, and there are moments when bouts of seasickness make you want to vomit and lose the will to live. It’s tempting to just let go and sink. But then you notice a thin rope attached to it leading somewhere, and that rope is the knowledge that there is nothing you can do. So you leave that alone and keep floating. Then there’s another rope, and maybe that one is pulling you somewhere slowly. That one has the strength of 20 ropes, because it’s your friends who care about you. Slowly, when you’re not blinded by the loss of your ship, you’ll see that there are hundreds of those tiny ropes attached to you, and all is not lost. You’re saved and going somewhere and you’re going to stay alive. You can’t see it, but you are. You are. And when you’re hurting again and wanting to just let go, look around yourself and see those ropes. Focus on those. Focus.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Oh Hello.

I love this? But 2 grand for a leather jacket and canvas skirt is crazy? Even if they attach to each other?

Monday, April 19, 2010

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Perfect Luggage

Good luggage and travel accessories scream luxury to me, but this, mon amis, whispers it. And I love it.

Givenchy Pre-Fall 2010.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Oh Brittany.

Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?

- I love Glee.

Stone Me if You Must

So...lately I've been helping out my mom at the family restaurant since my dad is out of town for the next month, and it's really gotten me thinking about comfortable work shoes for people who stand all day. I've tried flip-flops (I just stand behind the counter, so it's okay), sandals, and flats, and my feet always get achey around the 2nd hour - I can't even imagine how my parents deal with it all day, every day.

My mom went and got some Crocs, the ballet shoe kind of looking ones, and she let me try them on. God help me, I must admit that they are the most comfortable shoes I've worn, maybe ever, except for Uggs. And I LOVE my Uggs, I don't care what every fashion forward style maven tells me, you will have to pry my Uggs off my cold dead body (but with warm and comfy feet)! Why are all the comfortable shoes so ugly?

Now, what I'm thinking is this. I could get the pair pictured above and just stud the crap out of the front section so I feel better about myself AND my feetsies won't want to go on strike and walk off without me after a day at the restaurant. Good idea? I have to think about it, but I'm pretty sure that after a few more days of this, I'll cave, even though I had always said that I would rather die than wear Crocs. Hey, man, people can change in desperate times. Right? Leave your thoughts.

Nothing is Original

Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration or fuels your imagination. Devour old films, new films, music, books, paintings, photographs, poems, dreams, random conversations, architecture, bridges, street signs, trees, clouds, bodies of water, light and shadows. Select ony things to steal from that speak directly to your soul. If you do this, your work (and theft) will be authentic. Authnticity is invaluable; originality is non-existent. And don't bother concealing your thievery - celebrate it if you feel like it. In any case, always remember what Jean-Luc Godard said: "It's not where you take things from - it's where you take them to."

-Jim Jarmusch, Russh Magazine, Issue 30

Monday, April 12, 2010

Cannon Movie Tales: Snow White

I love 80's camp probably more than anyone you'll ever meet. Uh, hello, Labyrinth? Clue? THE WITCHES?! (In fairness, The Witches came out in 1990, but it's close enough.)

Growing up, this was my favorite version of Snow White. I could never remember the actual title, though, and thus it's taken me THIS LONG to find it! But, boy howdy. There's songs, a beautiful princess, and a crazy ass queen. Disney movie this is not. (Although it's not as scary as the Grimm Brothers' Snow White: A Tale of Horror, which is now up on Hulu!)

Look at this evil woman. Have you ever seen such fantastically insane headwear? Including that last piece of monstrosity? I bet not. Throughout the movie, she makes a ton of costume changes and goes through a bunch of disguises to try and trick Snow White.

Yeah, that's right. She's dressed like a geisha. It makes more sense if you just watch it.

Anyways, the whole Snow White movie is on Youtube, which is amazing, as well as the Cannon Movie Tales versions of Rumpelstiltskin, The Frog Prince, Sleeping Beauty, etc. Go ahead and sit through 'em. You can thank me later.

One last look at this bia.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Solange Is Hot

Under Construction

Stillness is the Move (Dirty Projectors cover)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Best Movie of 2010!

How To Train Your Dragon in 3D was the bomb diggity (can I pull that off?). Like, for serious, guys. It was so good that I want to watch it again, maybe in 2D, and then again when it comes out at the dollar theater, and then again when I get the DVD. No joke.

It's been a week since I saw it, and I STILL want to see it again. I know this is a lot of cartoony stuff in one day, but there's no accounting for when and how AWESOME will strike! I don't know what I'm saying, but what I'm saying is, go watch it.

The Last Airbender

YOU GUYS. I spent the beginning of last week watching all 3 seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and it's SO GOOD! Do I care that the main character is supposed to be 12? I do not. Harry Potter was 11 when the Sorcerer's Stone came out in 98, and I was all up on that fuh realz in 2000, even though i was 16 by then. Whatever. Point is. I watched Airbender and it was awesome.

Sokka is my fave, what with his love of comedy and food. "I'm going to spend my vacation... at the LIBRARY!"

Close second is Toph.

Katara: "I'm just glad we have another girl in the group, because you two are disgusting."
Toph: "Excuse me, does anyone have a razor, because I've got some hairy pits!"

Also...why is it that when I was searching for images on Google for Sokka and Toph, there are a TON of fanfic drawn cartoon PORN?! People scare me. Maybe that's why I watch a lot of cartoons and read a lot of children's books...that or I'm just mentally stunted?

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Between the Curves

Revisiting a jam from last summer, which I was introduced to by a friend whom I ultimately forced to admit that he got it from watching The Hills. Watched a grand total of 2 episodes of that show and I sat waiting for the punch line the whole time. The punch line? Me. Give me a nice dose of Parks and Recreation or Modern Family instead. I love Gloria and Manny. And Luke, aka Ralph Wiggum. I'm not sure where I'm going with this post.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Blogging is Hard

Back in the days of Xanga, I was easily a consistent and frequent blogger: I wrote about my life, my emotions, and any other miscellaneous random thoughts. It wasn't a big deal for me to be an open book because a) I didn't think too many people besides my friends, if even, cared, and b) I needed an outlet for all those tumultuous teenager-transitioning-to-adulthood feelings.

A few months ago, I decided to go back through my Xanga archives and compile them into a word document for each year. It took me a whole month, but when I finally made it through 2005, I realized that there's still so much more! God, I wrote a lot! Most of it was trite and goofy, but every now and then, thanks to my obsessive habit of blogging my feelings, there would be a gem of an entry - deep and insightful, well-thought out and interesting. At least, to me.

I could lie and say I don't know why or when my penchant for blogging my life story faded to pictures of other people and things I'm currently coveting, but I totally know what happened to me that changed things. I moved to New York, went to law school, and started worrying about people judging me in my failures and life choices. I wasn't a good law student, and I wasn't good at much else. Making friends had become harder, and I shrank into my hole of a room, treating it like a shell. I stayed home in my apartment rather than go out with people, and when I did leave, it was usually on my own to wander or go places in the city for a few hours. It was lonely and stagnant and miserable.

So my daily updates ceased, my long rambles and rants diminished to 2 or 3 lines of vague references to things in my life, and I just stopped writing about myself. It was like a defense mechanism, I guess? If I didn't blog about my life, then I didn't have to share my fears and depression, and then no one could really look at me in pity or disdain. Not very rockstar of me, I know. Not even all that awkward...just...boring and superficial...and safe.

In the briefest manner of catching up to where I am now in my life: I graduated law school and took the New York Bar last July; I moved back to my parents' home, where I haven't lived for more than a few weeks since I was 16, and where my brother was taking a semester off after his first year in college; I tried to mend my brother's relationship with my dad, albeit to no avail, since they are cut from the same stone, and that stone is an innately explosive one; my boyfriend came back from Afghanistan on leave and broke up with me, we got back together, we broke up again - but this time with the plan that we'd stay best friends and just see what happens next; I made a few new friends in Dallas, though all younger than I am, and they make me feel old; I dicked around for a few months enjoying my freedom from studying until I got the gut-wrenching results from the New York Bar Exam that I had failed by 3%; my dad made me feel like an asshole for failing; my dad had an emergency surgery to remove his ready-to-explode gall bladder; my brother went back to school. That brings us up to 2010.

I studied AGAIN for an exam that made me want to kill myself the first time around, and this time it drove me into the deepest recesses of depression I'd ever been in; I saw a medical professional and got some help, but it was too expensive for me to keep going, so I stopped taking my medication and am currently saving them, just in case; my ex-boyfriend is still my best friend, and I'm still in love with him; I went to Buffalo to take my test, and don't ask me how it went, because I really have no clue; I stopped over in NYC for a few short blizzardy days to see a few friends; I came home and then left for Vegas to celebrate a childhood friend's birthday and learned new things about friends I have known for years; my brother got into the biggest trouble of his life, and I hoped it would be an eye-opener for him, but he returned with the same angry attitude, and so now, I know that there's nothing I can do for him anymore, because I can't help someone who doesn't want my help...[deep breath]

I scrambled to get my applications in for the Patent Bar Exam and the Texas Bar Exam - still waiting to hear from them; my mom suggested that I get a part-time job while I wait for the NY results and to see if I am okayed to take the Patent and Texas exams, so I spent the last week applying to anything and everything, with very little hope that I will actually get hired; my dad called me lazy and useless and only obsessed with playing and having fun, since it's been almost a year since I graduated, and I still have no job prospects, nor am I actively studying my butt off for the other two exams; I spend my days reading countless blogs and websites, or books from the library, attempting at cleaning out the house, running errands pertaining to all my past and future exams, looking for jobs, watching tv late at night, and honestly, crying, because I don't know why; and here we are.

My feeble efforts at being funny or interesting just depress me even more. I'm 25 on the verge of 26, and I don't know what's going on in my life. That's who I am, that's what's happening, and that's what I'm trying to deal with now. So, yeah, blogging is hard. It's all hard. But I'm still trying, and that should count for something.