Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Month

So, it's been a month since my life started unraveling faster, as if someone tied the end of a loose thread in my life to a skydiving blue whale trying to get back into the water as fast as possible. Though today wouldn't have been a good example, I'd say I am making small improvements every day? Baby steps, dudes. Or...tiny fish fins...or whatever metaphor works here. I'm very weak (emotionally) when I'm tired (physically and mentally), and that's all I really have to say for myself on that front.

It's hard to love someone else when you don't even like yourself. It's hard to accept someone else's love when you don't know what you're here for in this life. I think I understand, to some point, those feelings. But let me tell you. It's also really hard to want to love someone and give that love to that person, when that person doesn't want it, can't handle it, and has been lost for a while. I'm struggling with that right now.

People keep telling me that it's bad for me to keep holding on. I know it's certainly not helping any! But as I said to someone earlier today, it's like that saying about how a girl never gets over her first love, no matter how long it's been or how far she's gone: this is what it is for me. It's a serious business, being in a serious relationship, and it's not easily forgotten or let go. At some point, the promises were real, the promises meant forever - at those points, it felt like forever already. "In that moment, we were infinite."

I don't know. Simple explanations and words are never enough; I always ask for more. Some people are born with the melancholies. I was born with the melodramatics.

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