From now until July 30, I have to be studying 10 hours a day! Like, for serious, no joke, cross my heart, hope to die (really - I hope I die between now and then), I need to be MIA and reading till my eyes fall out. THE EYEZ ON THE PRIZE. If I post anything...shame me, okay?
Sniffle. See you on the other side?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Surprise Guests
means I have to relinquish my bedroom and sleep in the still-a-work-in-progress-guest-room on the lumpy futon. Good thing I remembered to move 1) my pillows, 2) my comforter, 3) my laptop, 4) some clothes, and 5) my bunny...
Yes, I am almost 26 and I sleep with stuffed animals. PLURAL. A giant elephant, 2 heffalumps, a Beasley the dog, and a bunny. But the bunny is my favorite because it's so incredibly soft. It's one of my most prized possessions and probably one of the first things I'd grab if there was a fire or other natural disaster. GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME, I DON'T CARE.
I would also grab...at least one pillow, my laptop, my purse, and I'd dump as many notebooks and pictures as I could into a towel or something, before rushing outside to collect Carter and Mojo! Is it normal to plan things like escape routes or what I would do in case of a flood or electrical storm or zombie apocalypse? Perhaps tomorrow, after I get home from jury duty (yuck), I'll not only finally clean out my closet, but make a list of my most (sentimentally) valuable and irreplaceable items for future reference. I love lists.
Now. A new dilemma I'm having is the choice between getting a bike for leisurely rides, or joining a climbing gym. Shaheena, I know you'll read this eventually! What should I do?
I'll tell you what I should be doing right now...sleeping. I suck at waking up early.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Delusions
I told my friend the other day that as a child, sometimes I liked to lay in bed and pretend I was strapped down in a straitjacket, locked in a psychiatric facility. Her response: "...Ohhhh my gosh...you are so weird." And then she laughed.
The laughter was acceptable because I know that she accepts me in all my glorious crazy and won't judge me, at least not enough for her to stop being my friend. The thing is, guys, it's a totally true story. I don't know why I liked imagining being mentally unstable, just like I don't know why sometimes I enjoyed pretending I was actually a vampire and would suck on paper cuts, or just my own finger, until the faint taste of iron disappeared; or why I spent a lot of my time plotting ways out of my daily activities and escape routes for different scenarios as if I were some sort of criminal mastermind or fugitive.
If it sounds like these were mental games that I played as a smaller kid who maybe watched too many inappropriate for children Chinese movies, well, that's partially true. These were also things that I did well into high school...obviously by myself. Are you judging me now?
The thing is, I think the trend I'm noticing is that I used to love escaping from reality. I say, "used to," as if I don't anymore; I still do - and all the time. The escapes are somewhat tamer and more typical: what it would be like if I lived in a foreign city, what it would be like if I had that profession, what it would be like to be happy and fulfilled and in love. It's the stuff that Hollywood is made out of, am I right? It's probably why I don't tend to pick romantic comedies over action/adventure movies; I can picture my own rom-com, but what do I know about action or adventure? I've lost the imagination and know-how to dream those things up. Nowadays, life is action, romance is adventure.
What hasn't been lost is my amazing ability to fully immerse myself into what I'm pretending. It's not really like believing the nonsense, but more like...when you're in a dream doing something completely out of character or strange, and you know it, but you go along with it because it doesn't occur to you that now that you've recognized that it's just a dream, you can probably put a stop to it. So that's what I do.
That's what I've been doing.
I slide in and out of pretending things are just fine and that I'm happy and there is someone still there who loves me as much as I love him. It doesn't matter that I've deleted the numbers to prevent any more slips of desperation - I pretend that if I wanted to, I could pick up the phone and call, and there would be someone on the other end. It's a delusion I try to stay in, because I know that if I come out of it, I'll sink faster. But I know it's a delusion and just like you know you're in a dream, it isn't real. I just keep going with it. Because I have to. I have to believe in some false hopes, even though I know they're false, if for no other reason than because I am the type of person who needs something to believe in, and until I figure out something true, the false is all I know.
That sure is something, isn't it? The false is all I know. Sounds deep. I wish my falses would become trues. I think that would make me happy. But then again, what do I know? Lord knows I had put my everything into one basket, and it was probably a lesson in humility that the basket was made of straw and couldn't stand to hold my everything. That sounds like it could be a Bible lesson or something: 'don't put your everything into anything but the Lord." I can't say I've gotten more religious, but I can say that I think about God and spirituality a lot more, so maybe that's something, too.
I'm going to go thrash around in my comforter now, and pretend I've certifiably lost my mind. That's another sort of delusion that helps me cope.
The laughter was acceptable because I know that she accepts me in all my glorious crazy and won't judge me, at least not enough for her to stop being my friend. The thing is, guys, it's a totally true story. I don't know why I liked imagining being mentally unstable, just like I don't know why sometimes I enjoyed pretending I was actually a vampire and would suck on paper cuts, or just my own finger, until the faint taste of iron disappeared; or why I spent a lot of my time plotting ways out of my daily activities and escape routes for different scenarios as if I were some sort of criminal mastermind or fugitive.
If it sounds like these were mental games that I played as a smaller kid who maybe watched too many inappropriate for children Chinese movies, well, that's partially true. These were also things that I did well into high school...obviously by myself. Are you judging me now?
The thing is, I think the trend I'm noticing is that I used to love escaping from reality. I say, "used to," as if I don't anymore; I still do - and all the time. The escapes are somewhat tamer and more typical: what it would be like if I lived in a foreign city, what it would be like if I had that profession, what it would be like to be happy and fulfilled and in love. It's the stuff that Hollywood is made out of, am I right? It's probably why I don't tend to pick romantic comedies over action/adventure movies; I can picture my own rom-com, but what do I know about action or adventure? I've lost the imagination and know-how to dream those things up. Nowadays, life is action, romance is adventure.
What hasn't been lost is my amazing ability to fully immerse myself into what I'm pretending. It's not really like believing the nonsense, but more like...when you're in a dream doing something completely out of character or strange, and you know it, but you go along with it because it doesn't occur to you that now that you've recognized that it's just a dream, you can probably put a stop to it. So that's what I do.
That's what I've been doing.
I slide in and out of pretending things are just fine and that I'm happy and there is someone still there who loves me as much as I love him. It doesn't matter that I've deleted the numbers to prevent any more slips of desperation - I pretend that if I wanted to, I could pick up the phone and call, and there would be someone on the other end. It's a delusion I try to stay in, because I know that if I come out of it, I'll sink faster. But I know it's a delusion and just like you know you're in a dream, it isn't real. I just keep going with it. Because I have to. I have to believe in some false hopes, even though I know they're false, if for no other reason than because I am the type of person who needs something to believe in, and until I figure out something true, the false is all I know.
That sure is something, isn't it? The false is all I know. Sounds deep. I wish my falses would become trues. I think that would make me happy. But then again, what do I know? Lord knows I had put my everything into one basket, and it was probably a lesson in humility that the basket was made of straw and couldn't stand to hold my everything. That sounds like it could be a Bible lesson or something: 'don't put your everything into anything but the Lord." I can't say I've gotten more religious, but I can say that I think about God and spirituality a lot more, so maybe that's something, too.
I'm going to go thrash around in my comforter now, and pretend I've certifiably lost my mind. That's another sort of delusion that helps me cope.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Random Things
- Would you invest in crazy shoes that are awesome but that you wouldn't have much opportunity to wear or another black clutch?
- I am really craving polenta and some cheese & mushroom ravioli for some reason.
- Jury duty on June 29 for the first time ever...makes me wish I had an iPad.
- Nonstop listening to Schindler's List OST is relaxing.
- Carter is now 27lbs at 15 weeks old; it's all in his belly. Also, he is a classic beta - it's cute.
- Why is it that when I finally buckle down and am determined to focus, everything and everyone else must suddenly reappear in my life?
- White or black iPhone 4?
- My friend from high school is getting married this weekend (Congrats, Thi + Andy!) and I'm MOH! First time in my life! I think I might retire after this one...
- Dear Life, yanking the rug out from under me was a B thing to do, but I'm doing fairly better now, so F you.
- Thanks, Love, Tina.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Words
Taking a cue from my awesomely-weird-but-awesome cousin Stephanie, here is a list of words I like, in no particular order.
- spoon
- vetiver
- croissant
- what
- perusal
- tart
- rummage
- fish/poisson
- bub (-bly, -ba)
- skin
- pouffy
- inkling, twinkling
- quirk
- funny, honey, bunny
- bow (the action, not the noun)
- miniature
- peach
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Still Struggling
Though I'm not a crying, heaving, psychotic mess anymore, my emotions still run the gamut from grudging acceptance to fits of disbelief that I can only liken to getting punched in the lungs. Mostly, I'm stuck on how I can be told that those moments that have changed my life forever were important and meaningful, and then be ignored so totally and completely. Hurt abounds. Life is cruel.
My mantra throughout has been that I don't want to become cynical and bitter, because my biggest fear is that I'll turn into that thing that I don't understand: unbending and without forgiveness. It's so easy to let hate take over. It's too easy to let the mind go insane. The clear realization is that the love I still feel, the love that I think that I have, is actually for someone else from hazy memory, and any desperate acts of trying to connect with that person now is simply ludicrous and asking for my heart to get trampled over and over again.
So, while my recent days have been filled with puppies and work and studying and sometimes fantastic failures of getting back out into the world to be a normal person, this internal struggle is still raging on, and there are some days I just want to make a bunch of bad decisions and then go out with a bang.
My mantra throughout has been that I don't want to become cynical and bitter, because my biggest fear is that I'll turn into that thing that I don't understand: unbending and without forgiveness. It's so easy to let hate take over. It's too easy to let the mind go insane. The clear realization is that the love I still feel, the love that I think that I have, is actually for someone else from hazy memory, and any desperate acts of trying to connect with that person now is simply ludicrous and asking for my heart to get trampled over and over again.
So, while my recent days have been filled with puppies and work and studying and sometimes fantastic failures of getting back out into the world to be a normal person, this internal struggle is still raging on, and there are some days I just want to make a bunch of bad decisions and then go out with a bang.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Zara June Lookbook
Um, this is cute? Like, kind of? The twee-ness makes it fun? Why am I so into childish clothing right now?
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Chloe Sevigny for Opening Ceremony
With Kim Gordon.
Reversible silk varsity jacket, WANT. Boots, WANT. Kim's No. 6 clog sandals, MOAR WANT, PLEASE.
Reversible silk varsity jacket, WANT. Boots, WANT. Kim's No. 6 clog sandals, MOAR WANT, PLEASE.
Night Walker
If it weren't for the fact that I live in Dallas and I don't want to look like an actual prostitute, I would want to wear this. Good ole Shenae, always attempting to make dirty, sloppy dressing WORK. Get it? Because she's dressed like a WORKING girl? No? ...I'm tired, leave me alone.
Summer
Christine Centenera (via Vanessa Jackman) and Denni Parkinson (via Garance) look so good. I wish I had nicer legs.
Discombobulate
Hans Zimmer - Theme from Sherlock Holmes
Love love love this. Rediscovering my, for lack of a better word, love, of orchestral music and movie soundtracks. Schindler's List, anyone?
Love love love this. Rediscovering my, for lack of a better word, love, of orchestral music and movie soundtracks. Schindler's List, anyone?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Israel Kamakawiwo'ole
I always wanted to get married to this song, but it felt somewhat...depressing. That's not the right word - more like, the point of view of the song was one seemed sad and lonely, yet hopeful, so, yeah, it didn't feel appropriate wanting to have it played at my wedding. You know, what's supposed to be the happiest day of your life, or whatever.
But, for the first time, I think I get it. And I love it even more.
Now, it feels right.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Things I've Been Doing
- Watching Veronica Mars and Daria (!!!)
- Playing, training, and loving on my adorable puppy
- Trying to re-study...Ugh.
- Stalking the seasonal sales
- Going to the gym for yoga, pilates, and boxing
- Working at the mall
- Making wardrobe plans for the imminent trip to Harry Potter Land (!!!)
- Waiting on my bike's arrival
- Deciding whether I want an HTC or an iPhone
- Not crying, even though my heart still hurts, and being a big girl.
Two more pictures of my precious bebbeh with his indoors sleeping bear buddy in a soccer uniform.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Madame Hawke
via knightcat
So fresh and so perfect for starting over? I think I want this to be my new look. Less Olsen, more Chung and Sevigny. I guess that means it's time for another closet overhaul!
Sometimes
Sometimes you feel like nut, sometimes you don't. Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don't.
...Ever get random jingles stuck in your head? Because...I...don't...
...Ever get random jingles stuck in your head? Because...I...don't...
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Crazy
in love. And no, not the Beyonce song - why does everything always come back to a Beyonce song?
I fluctuate every few days between a relatively calm, somewhat emotionally shattered, brink of being a bitter and hurt ex-girlfriend, to a relatively calm, somewhat emotionally shattered, yet still lovesick ex-girlfriend. Going back and forth between resentment and swooning makes a girl's head spin. It also makes a girl sound mentally unstable. I mean, have you ever heard of a girl's head spinning who WASN'T demon-possessed or at least a few marbles short of a full bag.
One of the issues he had with me was that I had the tendency to forget about fights and the ugly stuff once we'd talked and made up. Today, I realized that I was still doing that...choosing to remember the good stuff and forcibly letting go of the hurtful and unhappy stuff: the laughing, the ease at talking to one another, the sweet and heartfelt moments, the little things, the big deals. I can't let that love go, not because I'm not trying to get "better" and "move on," but because those six years have made me who I am now. Even if I can't be totally certain of who I am and what my purpose is here in this world, I do know that six years of love and being in love has changed me and molded me and become a part of me that will never go away.
Is this what pining feels like? Longing for those memories to be real again? Wishing it was either the past or the future, so that the present would be nonexistent? ...All those are true, but if I were pining, would I have forgotten until now that Tuesday, yesterday, June 1, would have been the 6th year anniversary? How easily the mind gets distracted. How strange that though some of the odds and ends of the relationship are still popping up all over the place, it's as if my brain has boxed up everything and put it in storage, only letting a few things slip into view when I actively try to take a peek inside. Does that even make sense? I'm still in love, I think, but I've set it aside. I still daydream and let my mind wander into happier thoughts and scenarios, but they are fewer and far between. Those devastating and weak moments are also a little more rare, though not entirely eradicated, yet. I'm still human.
I've tried writing about other things, but this is all that's worth anything to me. Loving and hurting and loving some more. God help me.
I fluctuate every few days between a relatively calm, somewhat emotionally shattered, brink of being a bitter and hurt ex-girlfriend, to a relatively calm, somewhat emotionally shattered, yet still lovesick ex-girlfriend. Going back and forth between resentment and swooning makes a girl's head spin. It also makes a girl sound mentally unstable. I mean, have you ever heard of a girl's head spinning who WASN'T demon-possessed or at least a few marbles short of a full bag.
One of the issues he had with me was that I had the tendency to forget about fights and the ugly stuff once we'd talked and made up. Today, I realized that I was still doing that...choosing to remember the good stuff and forcibly letting go of the hurtful and unhappy stuff: the laughing, the ease at talking to one another, the sweet and heartfelt moments, the little things, the big deals. I can't let that love go, not because I'm not trying to get "better" and "move on," but because those six years have made me who I am now. Even if I can't be totally certain of who I am and what my purpose is here in this world, I do know that six years of love and being in love has changed me and molded me and become a part of me that will never go away.
Is this what pining feels like? Longing for those memories to be real again? Wishing it was either the past or the future, so that the present would be nonexistent? ...All those are true, but if I were pining, would I have forgotten until now that Tuesday, yesterday, June 1, would have been the 6th year anniversary? How easily the mind gets distracted. How strange that though some of the odds and ends of the relationship are still popping up all over the place, it's as if my brain has boxed up everything and put it in storage, only letting a few things slip into view when I actively try to take a peek inside. Does that even make sense? I'm still in love, I think, but I've set it aside. I still daydream and let my mind wander into happier thoughts and scenarios, but they are fewer and far between. Those devastating and weak moments are also a little more rare, though not entirely eradicated, yet. I'm still human.
I've tried writing about other things, but this is all that's worth anything to me. Loving and hurting and loving some more. God help me.
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