Crazy

in love. And no, not the Beyonce song - why does everything always come back to a Beyonce song?

I fluctuate every few days between a relatively calm, somewhat emotionally shattered, brink of being a bitter and hurt ex-girlfriend, to a relatively calm, somewhat emotionally shattered, yet still lovesick ex-girlfriend. Going back and forth between resentment and swooning makes a girl's head spin. It also makes a girl sound mentally unstable. I mean, have you ever heard of a girl's head spinning who WASN'T demon-possessed or at least a few marbles short of a full bag.

One of the issues he had with me was that I had the tendency to forget about fights and the ugly stuff once we'd talked and made up. Today, I realized that I was still doing that...choosing to remember the good stuff and forcibly letting go of the hurtful and unhappy stuff: the laughing, the ease at talking to one another, the sweet and heartfelt moments, the little things, the big deals. I can't let that love go, not because I'm not trying to get "better" and "move on," but because those six years have made me who I am now. Even if I can't be totally certain of who I am and what my purpose is here in this world, I do know that six years of love and being in love has changed me and molded me and become a part of me that will never go away.

Is this what pining feels like? Longing for those memories to be real again? Wishing it was either the past or the future, so that the present would be nonexistent? ...All those are true, but if I were pining, would I have forgotten until now that Tuesday, yesterday, June 1, would have been the 6th year anniversary? How easily the mind gets distracted. How strange that though some of the odds and ends of the relationship are still popping up all over the place, it's as if my brain has boxed up everything and put it in storage, only letting a few things slip into view when I actively try to take a peek inside. Does that even make sense? I'm still in love, I think, but I've set it aside. I still daydream and let my mind wander into happier thoughts and scenarios, but they are fewer and far between. Those devastating and weak moments are also a little more rare, though not entirely eradicated, yet. I'm still human.

I've tried writing about other things, but this is all that's worth anything to me. Loving and hurting and loving some more. God help me.