Thursday, April 29, 2010

New Directions

...get it? From Glee? ...No? I hate you.


Life and/or God has been throwing me a lot of...wait, no, the curve ball metaphor isn't good enough...what I'm looking for is...okay, let me start over.

It's been a tough year for me, probably the hardest of my life, and the last week has been especially difficult. I learned some ugly truths and heartbreaking news, all of which have essentially been my crutches for many years, and the deal is now that I have to learn how to stand on my own two feet. Vague enough for you? How's this: 1) the state bar of New York and I are not meant to be together, to the tune of a 1% difference, and 2) my boyfriend, the guy I thought was the love of my life, at least for the past 6 years (my entire adult life to date), broke up with me.

I thought that I would easily pass the bar, become a lawyer, and do the whole thing, you know, be an adult or whatever. Live the life the people expect out of someone who went to law school. I thought that after 6 years of breaking up and getting back together and waiting through 2 deployments and lots of growing up, he and I would be together. Forever. Is that naive? I don't know. He was my best friend, and I'd never had a best friend. He was my home base and the last person I would talk to before I went to sleep everyday that he was in the country for six consecutive years. He's all I've known.

It's too soon for me to be sharing wise words about the lessons I've learned with y'all. I'm still here nursing my wounds.

The thing is, I used both those beliefs as my crutches. I leaned on them, relied on them, and never expected either to be taken away from me. I got complacent and lazy, and even though when I looked at myself introspectively (did I use that word right?) I knew that I wasn't as happy as I could be, I was okay with that. I stopped pursuing things that I was interested in, I gave up on learning new things, I just quit at life because I was comfortable. And now? Well,'s a new start, I guess. It kind of sucks.

So here I am. Trying to figure out my next step. Everyone says that I can take some time to cry and be depressed - and trust me, that is not something I'm worried about not doing enough of - but honestly, I've been depressed for over a year now. I've cried more since the start of 2009 than I have in my entire life. I may have to stop once in awhile and sob to myself for a few minutes, but the world keeps going, right? I can't just be sitting in my car on the side of the highway while everyone races to their next destination. I got to do something.

This awkward rockstar is going to go through some changes, and I hope to stay truthful and open about that journey as it happens here. I'm sure there will still be lots of shopping and being awkward in normal situations. That's just who I am.

First on my list? Rosetta Stone-ing the hell out of some languages I've been meaning to brush up on/learn. Either French, Spanish, Italian (all three of which I've learned before...), or Japanese, which I know nothing about. Can a person Rosetta Stone 2 or more languages at once? Let's find out.

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