Friday, April 2, 2010

Blogging is Hard

Back in the days of Xanga, I was easily a consistent and frequent blogger: I wrote about my life, my emotions, and any other miscellaneous random thoughts. It wasn't a big deal for me to be an open book because a) I didn't think too many people besides my friends, if even, cared, and b) I needed an outlet for all those tumultuous teenager-transitioning-to-adulthood feelings.

A few months ago, I decided to go back through my Xanga archives and compile them into a word document for each year. It took me a whole month, but when I finally made it through 2005, I realized that there's still so much more! God, I wrote a lot! Most of it was trite and goofy, but every now and then, thanks to my obsessive habit of blogging my feelings, there would be a gem of an entry - deep and insightful, well-thought out and interesting. At least, to me.

I could lie and say I don't know why or when my penchant for blogging my life story faded to pictures of other people and things I'm currently coveting, but I totally know what happened to me that changed things. I moved to New York, went to law school, and started worrying about people judging me in my failures and life choices. I wasn't a good law student, and I wasn't good at much else. Making friends had become harder, and I shrank into my hole of a room, treating it like a shell. I stayed home in my apartment rather than go out with people, and when I did leave, it was usually on my own to wander or go places in the city for a few hours. It was lonely and stagnant and miserable.

So my daily updates ceased, my long rambles and rants diminished to 2 or 3 lines of vague references to things in my life, and I just stopped writing about myself. It was like a defense mechanism, I guess? If I didn't blog about my life, then I didn't have to share my fears and depression, and then no one could really look at me in pity or disdain. Not very rockstar of me, I know. Not even all that awkward...just...boring and superficial...and safe.

In the briefest manner of catching up to where I am now in my life: I graduated law school and took the New York Bar last July; I moved back to my parents' home, where I haven't lived for more than a few weeks since I was 16, and where my brother was taking a semester off after his first year in college; I tried to mend my brother's relationship with my dad, albeit to no avail, since they are cut from the same stone, and that stone is an innately explosive one; my boyfriend came back from Afghanistan on leave and broke up with me, we got back together, we broke up again - but this time with the plan that we'd stay best friends and just see what happens next; I made a few new friends in Dallas, though all younger than I am, and they make me feel old; I dicked around for a few months enjoying my freedom from studying until I got the gut-wrenching results from the New York Bar Exam that I had failed by 3%; my dad made me feel like an asshole for failing; my dad had an emergency surgery to remove his ready-to-explode gall bladder; my brother went back to school. That brings us up to 2010.

I studied AGAIN for an exam that made me want to kill myself the first time around, and this time it drove me into the deepest recesses of depression I'd ever been in; I saw a medical professional and got some help, but it was too expensive for me to keep going, so I stopped taking my medication and am currently saving them, just in case; my ex-boyfriend is still my best friend, and I'm still in love with him; I went to Buffalo to take my test, and don't ask me how it went, because I really have no clue; I stopped over in NYC for a few short blizzardy days to see a few friends; I came home and then left for Vegas to celebrate a childhood friend's birthday and learned new things about friends I have known for years; my brother got into the biggest trouble of his life, and I hoped it would be an eye-opener for him, but he returned with the same angry attitude, and so now, I know that there's nothing I can do for him anymore, because I can't help someone who doesn't want my help...[deep breath]

I scrambled to get my applications in for the Patent Bar Exam and the Texas Bar Exam - still waiting to hear from them; my mom suggested that I get a part-time job while I wait for the NY results and to see if I am okayed to take the Patent and Texas exams, so I spent the last week applying to anything and everything, with very little hope that I will actually get hired; my dad called me lazy and useless and only obsessed with playing and having fun, since it's been almost a year since I graduated, and I still have no job prospects, nor am I actively studying my butt off for the other two exams; I spend my days reading countless blogs and websites, or books from the library, attempting at cleaning out the house, running errands pertaining to all my past and future exams, looking for jobs, watching tv late at night, and honestly, crying, because I don't know why; and here we are.

My feeble efforts at being funny or interesting just depress me even more. I'm 25 on the verge of 26, and I don't know what's going on in my life. That's who I am, that's what's happening, and that's what I'm trying to deal with now. So, yeah, blogging is hard. It's all hard. But I'm still trying, and that should count for something.


  1. blogging IS really hard. I recently found an old blog of mine and reading it was insane - I was super happy and bubbly most of the time; my friend read and it was like, "wow, i don't know if i could have been friends with that girl" =)but somewhere along the way i guess life and growing up happened. now i'm cynical and careful.
    I don't know, i don't have any advice for you - i mean i could think of some but who wants to hear i'll just say to keep your head up :)
    p.s. and i like your blog! i've been reading it in my reader for awhile but never got around to signing up for it

  2. I love this entry, even if it's not bearing all good news-- epitome of you keeping it real (can I pull that off? I'm saying it anyway). I am glad that even with our dispersed hangout time I can read this and know some things to pray about for you; also, about an hour ago I was rendered immobile by my bad left hip, so don't feel old around me. :)